[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
You Might Also Like
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats