[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf