girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
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What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Finally! 😈
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.