Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
You Might Also Like
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?