Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
584.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.