@hpb777

Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.

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@iamch0pper

if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@Kyle_Lippert

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

@TheDairylandDon

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.