if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.