RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?


*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis


I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?


I have friends.

By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.


When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”


[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died


ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?


*Guy about to invent the television

Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me


“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy