My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
DATE: *gets in car*
ME: hi *starts driving*
DATE: how’s it going?
ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”