RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.