SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I have friends.
By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.
When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*Guy about to invent the television
Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*repeatedly uses air quotes while giving your wedding toast*