Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.