Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?