Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.