Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…


*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel


I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.


listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios


Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.


wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”


I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!

Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: I’m getting a new Mom.