Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Same post same
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds