employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
You Might Also Like
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My background check bounced.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I never needed anything more in my life
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you