Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.


“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”


Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help


turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁


Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…


If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.


If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.