@DickKingSmith

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

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@simoncholland

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

@Rollinintheseat

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

@Papa_Mex

-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

@FrogAvalanche

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

@girlontapas

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

@UncleDuke1969

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.