Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.