Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

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All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.


My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.


[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD


Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?


Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.


I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.


Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.


You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.


parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun