Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Yup.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
hey, alexa
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?