Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Yes, but it was never about money
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Anyone really
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.