Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.