@ShootyDoody

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

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@JeanHallow

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

@thefishpants

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

@schumoo

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

@jonnysun

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@b_griff88

The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.

@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT