You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…