Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Pretty much! 😂👀
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?