*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.