Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
OBAMA: I’m resigning
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.
I was married for 6 years.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.
Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.