Interviewer: would you you call yourself a hard worker?
Me:absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
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me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”