[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

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Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.


If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.


parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!


A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”



[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha


Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.


I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.


If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping


Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.

Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.