Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY