How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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james bond: shaken not stirred
home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint
I told my kid he mustn’t use the word ‘hate’ as it’s hurtful and mean and then I made absolutely sure he apologised to the cheese
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*picks up cat*
*puts cat down*
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?