Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.


Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.


I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.


My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist


I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.


[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]


8: hey dad can you make me a sandwich?
me: poof! you’re a sandwich
8: ….
me: no


Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.