ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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Having my wisdom teeth pulled.
They have nothing left to teach me.
I must learn on my own from now on.
I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.
This is my sewer side note.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that
oompa loompa: [deep breath]
8: hey dad can you make me a sandwich?
me: poof! you’re a sandwich
My foot wants to interact with your face. 😐
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.