@Maxine12333

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

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@leechee420

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@dimplesticks

I told my kid he mustn’t use the word ‘hate’ as it’s hurtful and mean and then I made absolutely sure he apologised to the cheese

@EmSlyce

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

@panmidwest

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

@Horrorsc0pes

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

@ddsmidt

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

@wife_housy

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

@NikiWithIssues

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

@Beardson

Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?