What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.