oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
brian had himself a morning…
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Truth
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.