me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”