Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*