@david8hughes

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

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@Mr_Kapowski

8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed

Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear

8: MOM!

Wife: ZACK!

@MensHumor

Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!

@JonnyGoodTimes

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.

According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

@BruceForce

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

@UncleDuke1969

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

@WordsOfaHooker

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”