[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

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8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed

Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear

8: MOM!

Wife: ZACK!


Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!


My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.

According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)


I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!


I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.


He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:



Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”