@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

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@SortaBad

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

@HoldinCoffeeld

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

@decentbirthday

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

@PeachCoffin

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

@wolfpupy

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@Swoosh61

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

@Reverend_Scott

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.