{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Venn
How can I say no to this ?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?