Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩