Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
How wrong was this guy?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha