@snmrrw

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

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@JimmerThatisAll

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

@AbbyHasIssues

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

@AbbieEvansXO

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

@KDsFavs

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

@furrrizzle

Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.