People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”
So I put them in a vase of water.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.
Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.
Dating is bull shit
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.