@snmrrw

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

You Might Also Like

@juliussharpe

Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.

@Social_Mime

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

@Bandersnaaatch

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

@lmegordon

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

@MattOswaltVA

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.