Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.


My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.



I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.


[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse


“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.


I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit


We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident


I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.