Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“i miss shittin on people”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom