Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

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I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.


Is it ok to clothesline people on scooters going down busy sidewalk yet?


Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.


After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet


Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.


Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married


BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*


ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*


You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March