*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
New favorite tiktok
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.