Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??