The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.
My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My therapist: no one is judging you for doing that
Me: I judge other people for doing that