don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Generation gap…
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
They grow up so quick
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*