@thenatewolf

Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.

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@Pundamentalism

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

@MikeBigby

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

@InstaTrent

A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@warmyellowlight

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

@daddydoubts

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

@Lama911

Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.

@breakfastbeerz

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

@ginnyhogan_

My therapist: no one is judging you for doing that

Me: I judge other people for doing that