@thenatewolf

Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.

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@Marlebean

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@HenpeckedHal

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

@thestinkerbell_

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

@Contwixt

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@cool_as_heck

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

@LuckoftheDraw86

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.