@TheHyyyype

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

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@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

@sarcasm_inc

*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@SortaBad

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

@oothikicha

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

@1Happytwit

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

@ThatRascalPuff

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

@HeyZeus666

Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ.

I meant to say she looks like her mother.