Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Teacher: Any questions
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ.
I meant to say she looks like her mother.