[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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No way!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war