[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
You Might Also Like
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
lol
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired