[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.