[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
yeah 😭
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.