[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My god she’s good.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect