EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi’s fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend
choose one to drop:
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
the four elements are:
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.
I couldn’t be more proud.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth