@BoomBoomBetty

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

@EJGomez

me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi’s fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend

@jay_as_hell

choose one to drop:
1. acid
2. bass
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

@yupthatpaul

the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise

@DrakeGatsby

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

@BoogTweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

@thebeckyard

My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.

@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth