[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
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[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes