[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can鈥檛 play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT鈥硷笍
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I鈥檒l call you an ambulance.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don鈥檛 move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won鈥檛 happen until yesterday.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
If you cannot hold a poker face don鈥檛 bother becoming a parent because if you can鈥檛 sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i鈥檒l wait
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
twitter is a journey
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!