Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.
Me *should have
First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?