*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first
Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.