@FoxCGrandpa

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

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@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

@ArfMeasures

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

@joeyellis

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

@Zwolf666

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

@EndhooS

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.