*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Finally, an explanation.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer