I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?