[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?