[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Covid like
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Facebook memories be like
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.