[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
ok like just. call me at this point
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Best seat on the street 😍
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.