[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

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My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?


I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.


Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them


Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.


Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”


Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.


One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.


My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.


People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole