@rebrafsim

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

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@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?

@ashleyaustrew

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@beefman138

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

@MissHavisham

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

@MsLighthouseCat

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

@SondraDeeMe

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

@qwertying

My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

@PaulSchissler

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole