[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried