@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

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@hunz74

My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@tehviking

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

@SerenityRising

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

@lunchmane

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

@FFmaxhyde

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

@heatherlou_

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.