[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838